Losing a pet ……
I’m obviously not very good at this blog malarkey; the last one I wrote (and my first) was during the pandemic restrictions. I often think about putting my thoughts down on paper but, the thing is when you are writing about grief and loss and love, it’s painful. But, today, I’m biting the bullet and putting some thoughts down about losing a pet.
Anyone who knows me will know that I love animals. I feel genuinely sad when I even pass something on the road that’s been run over. We had a little Westie when I was younger – Heidi – and I remember moving to London and within a couple of days Heidi died. My mam, especially, was distraught. Dad buried her in the garden and they never got another dog – they said they didn’t want to go through that pain again.
My first dog was Ben. I was living on the RAF base at Linton on Ouse and I got him for an animal shelter. He was a lively one, and very loving. I’d like to think he had a good home with us – he got some magnificent walks and I loved him very much. At the age of twelve, Ben’s arthritis became much worse and medication made him violently sick. With hindsight, I kept him for longer than I should, because he was in pain, a lot of pain. But, selfishly, I didn’t want to lose him. When I took him to the vet, I remember howling when I came outside, saying, “What have I done?” My dad couldn’t console me and I was bereft. That’s the thing about choosing to end a life, I felt very responsible. But it was the right thing to do.
Several years later I picked Gwen up from a farm in Wales. She wasn’t what she was advertised as but, when I got there, I felt so sorry for her that I brought her home. INCREDIBLY nervous, I worked hard with her and took her to a collie specialist down in Derby to make sure we were on the right path. Devastatingly, Gwen was hit by a car when she bolted after a car spooked her. I felt as though my heart was breaking again, and I’d let her down.
Bess was born on the 9th of September in 2011. I was determined not to get another dog, I just didn’t feel as though I could go through the heartache again. But, after much soul searching, I relented and welcomed her into my home and my heart. When I love, I give it everything I’ve got and Bess was my little mate. We had many adventures together and, despite not being a cuddly dog, she knew that she was adored.
Insulinoma …….. I’d never even heard of it, but Bess had it and her symptoms were distressing to her, and to me. I did book Bess in for an operation, which might have given her another 12 months, but it might not. Not an easy decision but, when Bess had a horrific seizure in the woods out the back, I decided to let her go. That morning I had to officiate a funeral and then, when I returned home, the vet came to the house. She was such a lovely vet, with a very gentle manner, and Bess died peacefully in my arms. And you see, the tears are flowing now, because I miss her and it was so sad. I lay and cuddled her for an hour or so, just stroking her and ‘drinking her in’.
When someone / something dies, it’s natural to panic and rush around making phones calls and not being present in that moment. It’s such a powerful time, a time that you’ll never get back and it gives me a lot of comfort to think about the closeness that we shared before I had to part with my Bess. But, if you see me wearing a pair of green earrings, those are Bess’s ashes, and the rest are scattered on all the lovely walks that we used to do together regularly. I still think about her most days.
And, finally, Nell came bursting into my life and here we are. Another scruffy collie who gives me so much joy. The house is always dirty, there’s dog hair in most corners of every room, and she loves to dirty the clean bedsheets. But, for me, my house is not a home without my dog. Unlike Bess, Nell can’t get close enough to me and is as soft natured as me. We cuddle incessantly and I couldn’t love her any more if I tried. But, here’s the thing, our dogs usually have to leave us and it’s so painful. The trade off for that pain is, hopefully, many years of joy. If you’re not an animal lover, then I guess you just won’t get this. I try not to think of what the future holds and concentrate on the here and now.
Writing this actually leads me on to a really contentious issue …… assisted dying. We can free our pets from their pain and suffering, let them leave this world with dignity, but we can’t do that for our human loved ones. That’s a blog for another day ……….